


The Sun Will Rise, and We Will Try Again

by aerynthesebacean



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pregnancy, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, but still, not gratuitous, they're really cute okay, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:01:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26795554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerynthesebacean/pseuds/aerynthesebacean
Summary: Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Seokmin knows that very well. But with Chan always there when he needs him, nothing quite feels impossible anymore, even when he can barely put one foot in front of the other. Chan turns his life upside down in the best way possible, and shows him that even at his worst, he is so, so loved.
Relationships: Lee Chan | Dino/Lee Seokmin | DK
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	The Sun Will Rise, and We Will Try Again

**Author's Note:**

> Just another warning for anyone reading this. There are trigger warnings for mentions of suicide attempts, homophobia and being sectioned in a hospital, and minor mentions of dysphoria. If any of that affects you then please do not read! Your mental well being is more important than any fic. 
> 
> Also yes, I am aware that the title is related to 21p in some capacity and no, I do not condone what Tyler Joseph said in the slightest but the title seemed to fit. If I can think of something better then I will change it in the future!
> 
> But please enjoy if you read on! And feel free to leave a comment :) they are always appreciated.

“Beans?”

“Oh my god.”

*

“My old man has moved into his own place...” Chan says through a pout. “Now how am I supposed to come over every night?”

“We both know you’ll be here more often than you’re not, and I'm not  _ old  _ Channie, I’m your boyfriend.”

“You can be old  _ and  _ my boyfriend.” Chan comments.

“If I’m such a grandpa then  _ you  _ should be moving these boxes instead of me.”

“Yeah but what’s the fun in that?” Chan gets a stare from Seokmin, which just makes Chan laugh.

*

One more trip back to his old dorm, and Seokmin has fully moved out from his cramped room into a slightly less cramped apartment. One bed, bathroom, small living room and kitchen area. It was modest, clean, and most importantly, it was enough. He could afford it, and with Chan putting a little towards bills whenever he would come over – which was a  _ lot –  _ it wasn’t so much that it was overwhelming.

He would prefer that Chan was living with him, but he didn’t think it would be long before he moved in, really, they’d been together for a while at this point, Chan spending more days in Seokmin’s room than in his own. It was just a matter of waiting until the end of the school year, as he’d already paid for the room until the end of the semester, but after that... he was free to move in. He’d even moved in some of his own stuff anyway, and he had his own toothbrush there. It was domestic as domestic could be.

For Seokmin, Chan couldn’t move in soon enough. Not only did he want his boyfriend living with him because he  _ loved  _ him, but it was far too empty with just him there. It felt as if he was rattling around hollow rooms, tv running up the electricity bill just to fill the silence. It felt as if he was back in the hospital ward, too sanitised, too quiet without his Chan around. So, when Chan wasn’t there, he tried to spend as little time there as possible.

But after work, meeting up with his friends and with Chan, he didn’t end up getting to stay there long, and when he finally came home, he just about managed to eat before falling into bed. For some reason, the excitement of moving into his own place wore off impossibly fast. The silvery sheen quickly tarnished, dulling, black spots appearing on the surface. He was taking his medication, he was in love, he had wonderful friends, he could afford to live by himself, his family loved him, why wasn’t any of it enough? He was too tired to question it.

The days began to blur together, work, sleep, endless cycles. Only broken up by Chan, the light of his life, light he was having to cling to harder and harder to, just to feel like he was staying afloat. He was lucky, looking back he was beyond lucky, to have Chan. Maybe he noticed his smiles weren’t as genuine, that they didn’t beam as brightly as they once had.

Chan loved spending time with Seokmin, he felt most comfortable around him, even early on he felt okay enough to take his binder off in front of him. Seokmin was just a good person through and through, even when they were just seeing each other casually, Seokmin was so kind to him, and so funny. It was easy to fall in love with him.

Which is why it came as a surprise for his smile to be missing, and it sat heavy in the pit of Chan’s stomach, a small, growing worry accompanying it. At first he thought maybe he was fooling himself, or that Seokmin was just having a bad day, everyone had bad days, Chan no exception. He often found himself calling Seokmin whenever his dysphoria got too much, or let Seokmin take his trembling hands, that were so desperately trying to organise his life, and just help him breathe.

Seokmin’s empathy knew no bounds, except when it came to himself.

A less than perfect childhood, hiding himself from his family, denying himself the kind of love he wanted out of fear. A Christian family and neighbourly contempt was enough to tell him that he was never going to be accepted. Then, when he thought he had found something good, someone he could fall in love with, it turned as sour as an unripe tangerine, the kind of acidity that unsettled your stomach and made your teeth feel rough. The facade fell away from the man he thought cared for him, and it was apparent that he had never cared at all. 

It took one threat of outing him for his world to collapse around his ears. A few too many pills in his palm was all it took to make the fear and worry disappear.

*

He woke up in hospital some time later, parents at his side looking pale and gaunt. They didn’t know, but he knew he had to tell them. It weighed too heavy on his chest to continue lying, he was just too  _ tired  _ to lie. He’d overcome his fear of dying, now nothing seemed out of reach. Before they had even noticed he was conscious, he spoke.

“I’m gay.” Were his only words, his voice so hoarse from the tube that had reached his stomach and saved his life. He was too tired to care for his parent’s response, so he just closed his eyes and let them process it how they liked. Luckily for him it became evident to them almost immediately; he had been so  _ scared  _ to tell them that taking his own life had seemed an easier option. 

That was something that they never forgave themselves for, his mother especially, years down the line still apologising for how they’d made him feel. For her it would never be enough, the guilt was her penance, and she would carry it to her grave, in spite of Seokmin’s insistence that it was okay, that he had healed from it.

It took time for them to process it, but above everything else they were grateful their bright and beautiful Seokmin was still with them. For a while, he was sectioned on a ward so devoid of life and colour it seemed to consume what little Seokmin had left.

But he got better. His parents thanked God every day for that.

*

By the time he got to university, everything felt next to normal. He was in therapy, yes, he’d taken a year out and he was on meds, sure, but he felt good; he felt ready. His first year flew by, visiting home nearly every weekend because he missed his parents too much not to. Whenever he went back to his dorm they would make sure his bag was filled to the brim with food; tangerines, home cooked meals in stained tupperware, cup ramen for when he felt lazy, sweet potato snacks and vegetable crackers, they made sure he never went hungry. 

A part of it might have been the guilt still, but they would do anything for their son regardless, and seeing a smile as bright as the sun on the summer solstice break across his face when they gave him a crate of oranges was something they would never ever get tired of. 

University life was treating him well, that much they knew. He made friends quickly, and grew so close to some that he found himself in the name of a happy little trio,  _ Booseoksoon  _ they called themselves. How they became friends was a mystery unto its own, but they quickly became inseparable, spending every lunch hour they could playing Yugioh.

It was then in his second year that he met Chan; spritely, devilish and  _ handsome _ . He was in Soonyoung’s dance class, which Seokmin would occasionally sit in on with Seungkwan, especially when Soonyoung was just practicing in his own time. He was a talented dancer, he’d even made quite a name for himself as such at the university. So when he said that he was impressed by Chan… he was bound to be something special.

If only Seokmin knew.

If only he knew that Chan would become so important to him. A summer fling whose sparks of passion settled into something warmer, embers settled and glowing by the following spring.

They opened up to each other, bodies and minds. Chan was trans, that had been obvious from the first time they’d steamed up Seokmin’s car windows after dance practice; but slowly Chan would tell him more about his experience, what it was like to  _ be  _ trans. Seokmin did the same with his own experiences too. His therapist had suggested that he open up to Chan if he felt comfortable, about his past, what it was like to grow up as a gay man in a Christian town. It became clearer and clearer that they were good for each other, and as many apprehensions as Seokmin had about relationships, Chan was there to prove to him just as many times that this was different. That this was actual,  _ real  _ love, and that he was safe. Chan would never ever hurt him, and he knew it.

They lasted all the way to Seokmin’s graduation, which surpassed everyone’s expectations, but at the same time, they couldn’t say they weren’t pleased for the two.

But the sunshine could only last so long. Things started to get bad again.

Seokmin couldn’t even put a finger on why this time. He had a loving, caring boyfriend who was adored by his parents, wonderful friends that made him laugh so much he cried, he’d graduated with a first class degree, he had a job that paid decently in a field he enjoyed, and yet it couldn’t stop the grey from clouding over and hiding him from view. He didn’t know why it wasn’t enough, why he couldn’t just be happy with what he had.

Chan knew it wasn’t that simple, and as scared as he was, he could never blame Seokmin for the way he felt. He did know that he wasn’t going anywhere; he loved Seokmin as much as he loved life itself, and he was going to help him get through this in any way he could. He needed the sun in the sky, so bright it blinded. 

He wanted to be hopeful, but when he got a call from Seokmin telling him that his doctor had suggested that he go back to hospital… his heart sank to his feet. He wanted to throw up, but he had to be there for Seokmin. So he told him he’d be over to help him pack.

Saying goodbye, though it wasn’t  _ really  _ saying goodbye, was one of the hardest things Chan had ever done. Chan promised that he was going to be there every day, talk to him every single day because life without him just wasn’t the same. Seokmin could barely raise a smile. 

“You’re going to be okay Minnie. I promise.” Chan tells him, but it feels hollow, they both know it.

*

Chan cried so much that he developed perpetual puffy, sore looking eyes. Nobody questioned it, everyone knew the reason, there was little point asking him about it. Instead, they did what they could for him, Seokmin too. They helped Chan with class notes if he was too tired to attend, he slept at Seungkwan’s place when the silence in his room was just too oppressive. Of course, they visited Seokmin too, sitting and playing on the Nintendo Switch during visiting hours while he sat and silently watched. 

Seokmin’s parents ended up becoming a great source of comfort to Chan. They could see how much he meant to their son, and how much their son meant to him. It was when Seokmin’s birthday came around that they really came together, Chan’s family too, to give Seokmin a little bit of sunshine, until he found his own again.

Seokmin remembers that day so clearly, and even years down the line when the depths of his melancholy seem little more than distant memory, it would still bring tears to his eyes. It helped put things into perspective; everything that had brought him this low the last time were no longer things he dealt with, but the memories lingered heavy on his shoulders. It was his family, his friends, it was Chan that helped rid him of the burden, and instead fill his spirit with hope and safety. That day he smiled so much his cheeks felt sore.

It was touch and go for a bit longer, Chan and Seokmin feeling drained but still hopelessly in love, and Seokmin eventually started making good progress. It was something then that clicked in Chan’s mind; he never quite put a finger on it, he wasn’t sure if it was the patience Seokmin possessed, the softness of his voice or the way he looked at Chan with such complete and utter adoration, but he knew he wanted a family with him.

They’d mentioned children in passing, both thinking that it was way too soon, and then with Seokmin being in hospital, the thought left his mind completely. On top of that, Chan was trans. He could  _ physically  _ have children if he wanted to, and a part of him thinks the reason Seokmin skirted around the subject was because he didn’t want to pressure Chan into doing something that he wasn’t comfortable with. But when Seokmin was discharged, in regular therapy and learning how to face his problems before they got unmanageable, the thought kept distracting Chan like an itch that just wouldn’t go away.

So he booked an appointment with his doctor. He’d been taking testosterone for some time, so he didn’t even know if it was possible, and Chan wasn’t one to run before he could walk. He told Seokmin that he was going to the doctor’s to adjust his dosage, and that he’d see him after that. He felt like he was holding his breath, too terrified to even mention it in case he jinxed it, and if he jinxed it he would never forgive himself. It was a struggle to stop his mind from racing and getting ahead of itself; even if it  _ did _ go the way he hoped, it would be some time before it happened, if that was something Seokmin even wanted. 

There was a lot going on in his brain, but the thought of having a  _ lot  _ of sex with Seokmin for the sake of conceiving? Sounded pretty good to him.

It was good news. According to his doctor there was no good reason why he shouldn’t be able to conceive, provided he takes a few months off testosterone to regulate his cycle again. It seemed terrifying, but at the same time worth it, and what seemed equally as terrifying was having the conversation with Seokmin.

But as it turned out, it was something that had been preying on Seokmin’s mind too. He’d spent a lot of time alone in his room on that awful, quiet ward, and one of the things that gave him solace was imagining a distant future where he was happy; him, Chan and a child. Just the three of them. It was unrealistic, he knew that much. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it. And then when Chan told him that he’d not only been thinking about it, but he’d been given the go ahead by his doctor, it felt too good to be true. He grinned, bright and true, eyes crinkling up the way Chan had missed so dearly, and they both cried and laughed in equal measure for the entire evening.

They talked it through excitedly, planning their little future together, and it felt so unbelievably right, as unconventional as it all was. It was decided that they would wait until Chan had graduated too, and moved in with Seokmin and had a stable job. It was a good plan, and with both their parents’ support, it came true. They all came to visit regularly, and noticed a particularly devilish, knowing pair of smiles on their childrens’ faces. They were just so relieved and happy to see them both looking this joyful that they didn’t even bother to question it.

The plan continued, Chan graduating with an equally reputable first class degree, and taking so many photos on his graduation day of Seokmin ugly crying that it eclipsed the number of photos he had of himself. It was a good day, Seokmin was so proud, and he let Chan know just how proud he was by crying some more. But this time, only happy tears.

Chan had been waiting to move in with Seokmin for fucking  _ ages _ . A selfish combination of not wanting to have to drive to his and wanting to have a lot more sex than they were currently having were certainly big motivators, but he also really just wanted to spoon his boyfriend every night. 

Seokmin couldn’t physically contain his excitement when Chan started moving his stuff in, vibrating in every room he passed through in  _ their  _ apartment, helping him unpack. Chan hadn’t seen him this happy in a long time, and it was such a beautiful sight to behold, and to know that he was the reason was an indescribable feeling. 

*

A feeling of domestic bliss set in, both of them so grateful for the other’s company. They were just right for each other, and knew how to help each other out without even thinking, it had become second nature. 

When Chan’s general anxieties settled down and he felt ready, he set a program with his doctor to come off testosterone. He was having regular appointments to keep an eye on his mental and physical wellbeing, knowing how much of a toll this could take on him. His first period was terrifying, the tense dread settling across his chest and shoulders like it had before he transitioned, but he knew he wanted this, and he was strong enough to do it. 

At first, the sex was exhilarating. Morning quickies before work and languorous drawn out evenings with scented candles and a movie that they really weren’t paying attention to. But when the weeks of nothing turned into months, called in by a painful, cyclical reminder and a gutful of dysphoria, Chan began to despair. It was hard to face, but Seokmin would bring him a hot water bottle, the most shapeless clothes he owned and his arms to bury himself in, and it eased some of the frustration and heartache. He was grateful for Seokmin, he always was. He knew it wasn’t either of their faults, it was just incredibly discouraging, especially the longer he was off hormones.

Then, like any other morning, Seokmin asked him if he felt up for it, and for the first time Chan refused due to an overwhelming sense of nausea. He hadn’t eaten anything unusual, he didn’t think anything had been out of date, either. He didn’t have much time to think about it, though.

“I’m going to throw up.” He told Seokmin before quickly dashing to the bathroom, leaving Seokmin sat bolt upright, and looking rather concerned.

Seokmin quickly followed after him, the retching noises getting nearer and nearer.

“Channie…” He says hoarsely, voice filled with sleep. He touches Chan’s back gently, Chan now just resting against his arm, head still over the toilet. “Isn’t that… a symptom?” 

“Yeah, it is.  _ Shit _ .”

*

A quick trip to the pharmacy and a snack run later, and they were back in the bathroom, a bag filled with several different pregnancy tests to assuage Chan’s compulsions and worries. He was going to be double, triple and quadruple sure.

Every single one had the same result. He was very much pregnant.

Some more laughing and crying in disbelief, and so much kissing that their Saturday slipped past them, and before they knew it, it was dark outside. They spent the remainder of their evening cuddling, Seokmin still intermittently crying, and planning how to tell their friends and family when the time came.

The next morning they booked Chan’s first appointment, scan included. They were going to  _ see  _ their baby. Seokmin had already dubbed their little child his tiny bean, which was so endearingly hilarious, but also so  _ Seokmin _ . As excited as Chan was, he couldn’t escape the awful feeling that something was going to go wrong. His OCD behaviours got worse in the time leading up to the first scan, and he knew that if anything would happen, it would be in the first three months. So much could happen, and with his hormones having been all over the place, he felt at even greater risk. He thought himself in circles so much his hands started trembling, it was only when the sun cast his warmth over them and took them in his own that they went still. Seokmin was magic, pure magic. He had to be. 

Everything was in order by the time of the appointment, and he was told that he could have his dating scan too, if he wanted. He swallowed the lump in his throat and let the doctor do what they needed to, while gripping Seokmin’s hand so tight he heard the smallest ‘ouch’ pass his lips. 

“Oh.” The doctor says. That wasn’t a good sign. That  _ couldn’t _ be a good sign. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Chan says, panic building in his voice.

“Nothing’s wrong, nothing at all. In fact, they’re both healthy.”

“You just… said both.” Chan tells the doctor.

“Yes. You’re having twins. Congratulations.”

“Beans?” Seokmin says, voice so high and full of joy waiting to burst forthright.

“Oh my god.” Chan expected thoughts to be racing through his head, thinking things over and over and over and yet, silence. It all seemed clear, fated almost. 

  
The image he’d had in his own head had been a family of four, and now it seemed that things were finally,  _ finally  _ starting to fall in place for the two of them. The sun was bright in his sky, beaming just as he’d dreamt; the sun was also holding his hand, stuck repeating the word ‘beans’ over and over. He’d come so far, Chan was so  _ proud _ , and this felt like the greatest gift he could possibly give him.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at @chwenotshoe on twitter!


End file.
